We should not wait for a milestone to tell people what they mean to us.
A toast among friends is one of my favorite traditions around the table.
There are people in my life who know I love them, but knowing something and hearing it said out loud are two different things. This is one reason I love a toast. It gives us a reason to actually say what we so often assume the people closest to us already know.
For some reason, we tend to save toasts for weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and other big occasions. I think we should toast far more often than that. If someone you love is sitting across the table from you, why wait for a milestone to tell them what they mean to you?
I am not suggesting a speech. In fact, please do not give a speech! A toast can be two or three sentences. Tell your friend you are thankful for her. Tell your husband you are proud of him. Tell your children how happy you are to have everyone home for dinner. Then raise your glass.
Say It While They Are Sitting at Your Table
We assume the people closest to us know how we feel. Of course, my husband knows I love him. My friends know I value their friendship. My children know I am proud of them. But when was the last time we actually said those things out loud?
Maybe you have a friend who cared for you during a very difficult year, or you admire the way another friend cared for an aging parent. You might be with someone who has been a friend since college and has walked through thirty years of life with you. Those are important things in our lives, and there is no reason to wait for a birthday or anniversary to say them.
One of the reasons I love the table is it serves as an anchor that gathers everyone in one place. We are not rushing out the door or answering another text. We are sitting across from one another, looking each other in the eyes, and taking a break from the real world outside.
A toast honors these simple moments and allows us to place our attention on someone else. You get to look at a person you care about and tell them, in front of everyone at the table, why you are glad they are there.
We Toast at Our Family Table Too
Christopher and I do not save toasting for dinner parties. We toast our family, and we toast each other. Even when it is just the two of us sitting down to dinner, one of us will often raise a glass to the other.
Our grandson is learning to toast too, and I love watching him pick up his glass when he sees the rest of the family pick up their glass. Part of the fun for him is getting to do what the grown-ups are doing, but he is also learning about one of our family traditions. He knows that he belongs at the table and gets to participate with everyone else.
When someone is toasted, he listens. He watches the adults in his family say something kind about another person, and then he joins everyone in raising his glass. I hope our grandchildren grow up to continue this tradition and always remember that in our family we take the time to honor each other. I want them to hear us say that we are proud of each person, grateful for our family and thankful to God for the blessing each of them brings into our lives.
Honor Does Not Require an Occasion
We expect the traditional toast on certain occasions. We make speeches at rehearsal dinners, toast the bride and groom at weddings and say beautiful things at retirement parties and milestone birthdays. Those occasions deserve to be celebrated, but they should not be the only times we tell people what they mean to us.
Some of the people who mean the most will sit across the table from us hundreds of times without a birthday cake, anniversary or retirement in sight. I do not want to miss all of those ordinary evenings waiting for an official occasion.
If your parents are sitting at your table, tell them you are grateful for them. If you are having dinner with friends you have known for thirty years, say something about what their friendship has meant to you. If your husband has accomplished something he worked hard to achieve, celebrate him. If your children have become adults you genuinely enjoy being around, tell them.
You do not need a cake with candles or a printed invitation to have a reason to raise a glass. Sometimes you look around your table and realize how grateful you are for the people sitting there. Don’t let those moments pass you by.
Please Do Not Turn It Into a Roast
I have to add this because somewhere along the way, the toast and the roast seem to have become interchangeable, and I do not think they should be. If you are standing up to honor someone, honor them.
Do not use the opportunity to tell the embarrassing story you know will get a laugh from everyone else at the table. Everyone may be laughing while the person you are supposedly honoring is smiling and wishing you had sat back down. There is certainly a place for good-natured teasing among close friends, but a toast should make the person on the receiving end feel good.
Think about why you are grateful for that person. Think about what they have meant to you or your family, or something you have watched them do that you admire. Then simply tell them.
You Do Not Need to Be a Great Speaker
I think some people avoid giving a toast because they are worried they will not know what to say. They think they need a quotation or a wonderful story, but this is not true. Simply say the person’s name, tell them why you are grateful for them or what you are celebrating, and then ask everyone to raise a glass. You are talking to someone you care about, not delivering a keynote address.
A toast can be as simple as, “I have known you for twenty-five years, and you have been the kind of friend who has shown up for every important moment in my life. I am so grateful you are sitting at this table tonight. Please raise your glass to my dear friend.”
That takes about thirty seconds but imagine being the friend sitting across the table and hearing those words. I think most of us would remember a moment like that for a long time, especially because someone we love took the time to say it in front of the other people we love.
Bring Back the Toast
I love a beautiful table, and gorgeous tablescapes. I love choosing the china, arranging the flowers and thinking about what I am going to serve. But this is the entertaining side of hospitality. That is not what motivates me to invite people to dinner. What fills me with joy is when I see others sitting around the table.
Don’t miss this opportunity. Tell those gathered what they mean to you. Do not wait until the wedding, the anniversary, or the milestone birthday, and do not assume they already know simply because you have known each other for years. There are things we should say while we still have the opportunity to say them.
Look across your table, tell others how you feel, and raise your glass to those you have gathered.
Together with you,
Lisa Lou
