What we taught our son about disagreement, respect, and forgiveness.
Christopher and our son in one of many conversations at the table.
Like most married couples, Christopher and I had the occasional argument when our son was growing up. We did not agree on everything, and we often debated things at the dinner table. Our son was privy to these conversations, and sometimes he disagreed with both of us. He was allowed to disagree with us. He just was not allowed to be disrespectful.
Children need to learn to disagree. They need to learn that someone can have a different opinion but still respect them. They need to listen when someone thinks they are wrong, explain what they believe and be willing to admit when someone else makes a better point. It was important to us, as his parents, that our son learn this valuable trait while he was still under our roof.
Teach Them to Defend What They Believe
When our son was about seven years old, we were driving somewhere and saw a bumper sticker that expressed a political view our family agreed with. I asked him why he agreed with it. He started answering me, and almost every sentence began with, “I feel...” Then another, “I feel...” and another, “I feel....”
I quickly realized he was simply repeating what he had heard from Christopher and me. He knew what our family believed, but he did not really know why he believed it. So, I said, “Honey, you know Mommy loves you, but I could care less how you feel. I need facts. Tell me why you believe what you believe.”
He was seven years old, so I did not expect some great political argument. But I did want him to start learning the difference between repeating something he had heard and actually knowing why he believed it. If he was going to have an opinion, I wanted him to be able to defend it.
From then on, I often took the opposite side of something he said just to make him think. I would ask him why he thought that about a particular subject, what facts supported his opinion and what he would say to someone who disagreed with him. I wanted to see whether he could defend his position when someone pushed back.
I knew there would come a day when Christopher and I would not be sitting beside him. If he believed something that was unpopular, or even opposite of what the culture around him believed, he needed to be able to stand on his own two feet. I did not want him to crater at the first sign of pressure or change his opinion simply because someone challenged him. And I certainly did not want his answer to be, “Well, that is what my parents taught me.” He needed to know WHY he believed it.
Standing Up for What You Believe
By the time our son was a freshman in high school, we got to see him put some of this teaching to the test. He was taking an AP History class, and his teacher kept teaching a concept that he strongly disagreed with. He would come home angry about it. Our son has always had a bit of righteous anger about him, and he still does.
One day he came home and told us he was going to challenge his teacher. Christopher and I told him we would always support him standing up for what he believed, but there was a right way to do it. She was still his teacher. He needed to say, “Yes, ma’am” and “No, ma’am” and throughout the conversation show respect.
We also told him there might be consequences. You cannot always control how another person responds. If you decide something is important enough to speak up about, you need to be prepared for the fallout that might come.
The day came. He stood up in class and challenged what his teacher was teaching. He told us later that you could have heard a pin drop in the room. The teacher was unable to defend the point she was making to his satisfaction, and when the discussion was over, our son sat back down.
There were definitely consequences for the rest of that semester. But he stood his ground, and he was not afraid to disagree with someone in authority when he believed that person was wrong. More importantly to me, he knew he could do it by having mastery of the facts, and without being disrespectful.
That was exactly what we had been trying to teach him since he was seven. Know what you believe. Know why you believe it. Be willing to defend it. But do not use your convictions as an excuse to treat someone else badly.
We also taught him that when someone responds to an argument by calling you “small-minded” or attacking your character, do not respond in kind. “Never be that person, Son,” we would tell him. A strong person will fight with the facts. A weak person will fight by attacking the character. Know why you believe what you believe, stick to the facts, and stand up for it with conviction.
Let Them Disagree With You
If you want your children to think for themselves, you have to let them disagree with you. You cannot tell a child you want him to have his own opinions and then get angry every time one of those opinions is different from yours.
Our dinner table was the main place our son saw this philosophy put into practice. We would each share about our day, we talked about what happened at school, sports, politics, things going on in the world and decisions we were making as a family. We always included our son in the discussions and did not talk over him. We asked him what he thought about different situations, but then we always asked him why he thought it. Our 5-year-old son would obviously answer these questions quite differently than our 17-year-old son, but regardless of the age, we never allowed “Because I feel...”. It is good to acknowledge feelings, but beliefs must rest on facts.
Sometimes we challenged him, and sometimes he challenged us. Sometimes Christopher and I disagreed with each other right in front of him. None of that bothered me because disagreement itself was never the problem. How we treated each other while we disagreed was much more important.
You can tell someone, “I think you are completely wrong,” without making fun of him. You can question his reasoning without attacking him personally. You can get frustrated without becoming cruel, and you can listen to the other side without giving up what you believe just to end the conversation.
There was also nothing wrong with changing your mind. If our son made the better argument, I wanted him to hear me say, “You know what? I think you are right about that.” Parents do not lose authority when they admit their child made a good point. Sometimes our children ARE right, and we should be willing to tell them when they are.
Disagreement Is Not Disrespect
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent decades studying marriage and what happens between couples when they disagree. John Gottman is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington and has spent roughly 50 years researching couples, marriage, and divorce. Julie Gottman is a clinical psychologist whose work has focused on couples and families. Together they founded The Gottman Institute, and their research on marriage and conflict has become some of the best-known work in the field.
One of the things I find particularly useful in their work is the distinction between a complaint and criticism. They identified four behaviors that are especially damaging to marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They call them the Four Horsemen.
“I am frustrated that you did not call when you knew you were going to be late” addresses what happened. “You are so selfish. You never think about anyone but yourself” attacks the person. One tells your husband what upset you. The other tells him there is something wrong with HIM, which is very damaging to a marriage.
Parents can do the same thing to children. Your son forgets to take out the trash, so you call him lazy. Your daughter behaves badly at dinner, so you embarrass her in front of everyone. That is wrong. Correct what your child did without turning his behavior into a statement about who he is.
The Gottmans also talk about contempt: mocking, name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling and talking down to someone. Their research found contempt to be the greatest predictor of divorce. And those behaviors are not limited to marriages. They can become habits in an entire family, especially if this is what parents model for their children.
A husband rolls his eyes while his wife is talking. A wife makes a sarcastic remark about her husband in front of the children. A parent laughs at something a child says. Someone makes a cutting remark and then tries to cover it with, “I was only joking.” Children notice, and it can be detrimental.
That was not how we wanted to disagree in our home. We could be mad. We could argue. We could think the other person was wrong. But being angry did not give any of us permission to humiliate someone else.
What Christopher and I Did When We Argued
The same rules we expected our son to follow applied to Christopher and me. We were not going to tell him that disagreement was okay and then pretend that his parents never disagreed. He knew better because he sometimes saw us argue.
Some of our disagreements were minor and some were more serious. If we were having a more escalated argument, we did not think our son needed to sit there and listen to the whole thing. Some things between a husband and wife are private, so we would go into another room and finish the conversation.
But if our son had seen the start of the argument, we made sure he also saw us make up. That part was very important to us because otherwise he was only seeing half of what happened.
Think about it from a child’s point of view. He hears Mom and Dad arguing at 7:00. They disappear into the bedroom and shut the door. At 8:00 they come back out and everything seems fine. Mom and Dad know what happened during that hour. Mom and Dad are fine, but the child is not.
Maybe Dad apologized. Maybe Mom admitted she was wrong. They had talked it through, forgave each other, and hugged. But their child did not see any of that, so for all he knows, his parents are still furious with each other.
We did not want to leave our son wondering. If he had seen the argument, we wanted him to also see us forgive each other. Sometimes we would reemerge from the bedroom and “pretend” we were still in an argument. We would say a few words back and forth, then we would apologize, say we forgave each other, hug and make up. This way our son saw and experienced what it was like to disagree and forgive.
Parents spend a lot of time worrying about whether their children see them argue. I think we should spend just as much time thinking about whether our children see us make up. Apologizing, forgiving each other, and moving on are as much a part of marriage as it is in the real world outside the home.
Some Arguments Never Get Settled
The Gottmans found that about 69 percent of conflicts between couples are what they call perpetual problems. In other words, there are things husbands and wives may disagree about again and again because neither person is likely to change his mind.
Families disagree about money, politics, religion, sports, parenting and how to load the dishwasher. Sometimes nobody changes his mind, and not every disagreement needs to end with one person convincing the other.
The goal in our home was never to make everyone agree. I did not need our son to agree with Christopher and me about everything. I wanted him to know what he believed and why. I wanted him to listen when someone challenged him and be willing to change his mind when the facts showed he was wrong.
But I also wanted him to understand that being convinced you are right does not give you permission to treat someone else badly. You should be able to stand firmly behind what you believe and still treat the person sitting across from you with respect.
Why Children Need to See This at Home
I think sometimes we try so hard to protect our children from conflict that we forget this is a skill they must learn. We are not preparing them for adulthood if the only acceptable conversation in our homes is one in which everyone agrees.
Our children are going to encounter people who disagree with them. A teacher may challenge something they say. A friend may tell them they are wrong. A boss may push back on an idea. Someday they may marry someone who sees some things very differently than they do.
I did not want the first real disagreement of our son’s life to happen after he left our house. I wanted him to learn at home how to know what he believed, explain why he believed it and listen when someone challenged him. If the facts showed he was wrong, I wanted him to be willing to admit it. If he still believed he was right, I wanted him to be able to stand his ground without attacking the other person.
A lot of that happened at our dinner table. We asked questions. We disagreed. We made him defend what he believed, and he did the same to us. Sometimes he changed his mind, and sometimes we changed ours.
When our son has disagreements in his own marriage, with his family or in the business world, I hope he remembers what he saw growing up. Christopher and I argued, apologized, and loved each other. We did not always agree, but we always respected each other. And at the end of the day, we were a united front. No matter what the world threw at us, our son knew that we had each other’s backs.
Together with you,
Lisa Lou
