What to say and do when it is time to step away from someone
Holiday parties start in a few weeks. Between now and New Year's Day, most of us will stand in a lot of living rooms holding a lot of small plates, and at some point in each of those evenings we will need to step away from someone. Maybe you are enjoying the conversation but promised yourself you would speak to the hostess before dessert. Maybe you are NOT enjoying the conversation and have heard more about your neighbor's sprinkler system than even the plumber knows. Either way, you need to walk away without hurting anyone's feelings.
I have personally encountered graceful exits from others, along with less than graceful departures that could have made me feel “less than” if I were not secure in who I am. Those experiences have made me very attuned to how we treat others when we need to exit a conversation.
First, ask whose exit it is.
There is an unspoken courtesy at parties: the person who starts a conversation is the one who should end it. If someone crossed the room to talk with you, let them be the one to say goodbye. If you leave first, they may think they bored you. And listen attentively. If someone approached you, then there might be a specific reason they need your attention.
James wrote, "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19). At a party, being swift to hear can mean waiting to leave until the other person has finished what they came over to tell you.
Plan your exits before you arrive.
On the drive over, think about who you want to speak with that evening. Maybe it is the hostess and a friend you have not seen since summer. When you know who you are looking for, you always have a true reason to excuse yourself, and you will not stand there searching for words. A plan also keeps you from driving home and realizing you never spoke to the people you came to see. As with so many things in life, be intentional.
Use your words.
When it is time to go, I tell the other person I enjoyed talking with them, and then I give a reason for leaving: "I'm so glad we finally met. Would you excuse me? I promised Margaret I'd find her before she left."
"Merry Christmas to you and your family. I'll look forward to seeing you after the holidays."
If you need a quick reason, the powder room always works, as long as you actually go: "I enjoyed getting to know you. Please excuse me while I run to the powder room." You do not need to apologize for leaving or make up an excuse. Thank them and give your reason.
Paul told the Colossians, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one" (Colossians 4:6). That includes the last thing you say before you walk away.
Offer something before you go.
I go to every gathering hoping to do one helpful thing for someone I talk with, and the end of a conversation is a good time to do it. If we talked about a book I love, I offer to mail her a copy. If her daughter is looking for a job in a field where I know someone, I offer to call that person on Monday. She goes home expecting a book in her mailbox or a phone call about her daughter. But if you promise it, DO IT, and do it that same week.
At a business event.
At a networking event or a business reception, everyone came to meet several people, so no one expects you to stay with them all evening. Before you step away, tell the person what you will send them and ask how to reach them: "I'd like to email you the name of the caterer I mentioned. May I have your card?" Then say, "I don't want to keep you from the other people you came to meet tonight." They came to meet people too, and they will understand. Send that email within two days, while they still remember your face and your name.
Make an introduction.
When I am the hostess, I make introductions more than anything else. After a few minutes with a guest, I think about who else in the room she should know. "Come with me. I want you to meet Anne. She just moved here from Dallas, and you know every good pediatrician in town." I walk her over and introduce them. Then I say, "I'll let you two visit while I check on the kitchen." That way my guest is not left standing by herself.
Leaving a group.
Stepping out of a circle of four or five people is easier than leaving one person, because no one is left standing alone. Wait for a pause, so you don’t exit in the middle of someone’s story. Speak first to the person who brought you into the group, then nod to the others: "Excuse me, everyone. I need to go help in the kitchen." Do not wait for the whole circle to stop and tell you goodbye, because the people who are staying should not have to stop their conversation for you.
Mind what your body is saying.
In the United States, most people stand about 18 to 36 inches apart when they talk. If you step just outside that distance, the other person will usually understand you are getting ready to leave. Be careful with this, because backing away too fast looks rude, and I would much rather say something kind than step away without a word. NEVER let your eyes wander around the room while someone is talking to you. It tells them you would rather be conversing with someone else.
When they will not stop.
Some people do not know how to end a conversation. You have stepped back and tried a closing line, and they are still talking. It is perfectly fine to be gentle and firm: "I have loved talking with you. Please excuse me, I need to catch a friend before she goes." Smile when you say it and then go. You do not have to stand there all night.
When I am the hostess and a guest will not stop talking, I give her a job: "Would you help me carry the coffee tray to the dining room?" We walk over together, I thank her, and when she sets the tray down, she is standing next to people she has not talked with yet.
When you are the one being left.
Sometimes the other person is the one who needs to go. When someone tells you they need to find a friend, let them go. Do not say, "Oh, already?" and do not start another story to keep them there. Say, "Thank you for coming over to talk with me. Go catch her before she leaves." If they promised to send you something, write them a short thank-you note when it arrives.
Outside the party.
Most of our goodbyes happen in normal, everyday places. In the church foyer after the service, everyone wants to visit while your family is hungry for Sunday lunch. Shake hands, use the person's name, tell them you were glad to see them that morning, and keep walking toward the door with your family.
When you run into a friend at the grocery store and your ice cream is melting in the cart, tell her: "I want to hear all about the wedding, but my ice cream is melting. May I call you Thursday?" Then CALL her on Thursday.
In the carpool line, the car behind you decides when the conversation ends. A wave and "I'll text you tonight" is enough, as long as you send the text.
On the phone.
Phone calls need a goodbye too, and they can be harder because the other person cannot see you glance at the clock or pick up your keys. If your time is short, say so at the start of the call: "I'm so glad you called. I have about fifteen minutes before I need to leave for an appointment." When the time is up, use the line every Southern woman knows: "I need to let you go, but I loved hearing about your trip. Let's talk again next week." Then put a reminder on your calendar and make that call. Managing expectations on the front end is something I try to do in all my entertaining decisions.
Teach the children.
Most children either interrupt a grown-up or walk off while the adult is still talking. They have not learned the art of a successful exit. Teach them by giving them one sentence to practice: "It was nice to see you, Mrs. Smith. May I go find my sister?" Practice it at your own dinner table, with you playing the grown-up who will not stop talking. Teach them to use the person's name, and the next time an adult stops them in the church hallway, they will know what to say.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, "Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them" (Matthew 7:12). When you leave a conversation, leave it the way you would want someone to leave you.
Together with you,
Lisa Lou
