What the Seating Chart Teaches Our Children About Hospitality and Putting Others First
As we enter the busiest entertaining season with holiday festivities on the horizon, I am often asked about seating assignments. The questions are usually about the adults. Where does the guest of honor sit? Should couples be split up? I will get to those answers, but this year I also want you to think about the youngest people at your holiday table, because they are watching.
Think back to the holiday dinners of your own childhood. You probably remember exactly where you sat. Maybe it was the card table in the den. Maybe it was the first year you were moved from the children’s table to the adult table and told to sit between two aunts you barely knew. You sat up straight and worked hard to think of something to say.
We tend to think of the seating chart as a party detail, something to scribble on the back of an envelope an hour before the doorbell rings. But I have news for you. Where you put people is one of the most important decisions you make as a host. You gave a great deal of thought to who you invited. Now give just as much thought to where they will sit.
How I Seat My Table
Most of the dinners I host are social, so I seat people by personality and what they have in common rather than by rank, as you might do for a military or political gathering.
I separate couples. Two people who know each other well can easily slip into talking only with each other, especially if one of them is shy around strangers. I do not want to make it easy for them to ignore the rest of the table, so I always separate couples.
I alternate men and women. When the women gather at one end and the men at the other, each group tends to talk only to themselves. But when you alternate men and women, the entire table is more likely to talk together.
I spread out the talkers. My guests who love a party and can easily carry on a conversation are strategically scattered around the table. If I have two quiet guests, I make sure they, too, are separated and placed next to someone who is more of a talker. If you place all the talkers together and all the nontalkers together, one end of the table will be roaring while the other end sits in silence. The key is balance.
I pair shared interests. Two friends just back from a cruise can talk about that trip through every course. Three guests who all work in real estate will immediately have something to talk about.
I keep problems apart. If two guests do not get along, I place them at opposite ends of the table, and preferably at separate tables if the dinner party is large enough to warrant more than one area for dining.
I sit closest to the kitchen. The hostess must slip in and out of her chair without causing a commotion. If you have a rectangular table, that means you're taking the end seat nearest to the kitchen. At a round table, I take the closest chair for easy access.
I also prefer one table of twelve or fewer. The group is large enough for plenty of conversation, but still small enough for everyone to be part of the same conversation. I can also keep an eye on the entire table.
When I must use two tables, I quietly ask a friend I trust to act as hostess at the second table. My other guests do not know I have done this, but I rest easy knowing someone is keeping the conversation going and making those guests feel comfortable.
The hostess keeps the conversation going. If I see two guests sitting quietly, I step in: “Sally, Katherine just moved to the city and is in the interior decorating business. Katherine, Sally is involved in this same field and helped me decorate our home.” Now Sally and Katherine have something to talk about, and I can move on.
When Protocol Sets the Chart
Some dinners call for formal order. A military dinner follows strict rules about who sits where, and a dinner for clients may call for this, too. Even at a casual supper, you may choose to stand on ceremony to honor someone special. At a social dinner around a rectangular table, the classic order works like this:
- The host sits at one end of the table and the hostess at the other.
- The man of highest rank sits to the right of the hostess. Rank might be an elected office or a senior position in business or the church. At a birthday dinner, the birthday guest outranks everyone, so that person receives the seat of honor.
- The wife of the man of highest rank sits to the right of the host. If the guest of honor is a woman, she sits to the right of the host, and her husband sits to the right of the hostess.
- The second-ranking man sits to the left of the hostess, and his wife sits to the left of the host. Reverse the order if the second-highest-ranking guest is a woman.
- Everyone else is seated by interests and personality. At a military or political dinner, rank continues down the table toward the center, which holds the lowest rank in the American custom.
There is one exception that seems tricky but is quite logical. With the host at one end and the hostess at the other, you can alternate men and women at a table of ten, but not at a table of twelve. At a table of twelve, the host keeps his end, but the male guest of honor takes the other end, and the hostess moves one seat to his left, so he is still on her right.
At my own social dinners, I bend these rules to fit the personality of my guests. I have hosted evenings where my two highest-ranking guests were both quiet and putting them across from each other would have made for a very quiet table. So, I chose to seat by personality instead of rank. In a social setting, you decide who gets the seat of honor. I often give it to the oldest guest at a party, as they deserve to be honored. There is something special about children seeing the oldest person in the room given a place of distinction.
Event planner Jennifer Gilbert, founder of Save the Date, has long taught that where you seat people can make or break a dinner party.
What the Seating Chart Teaches Our Children
Every rule above asks the hostess to think about her guests, first and foremost. Children learn to put others first when they see the care taken to arrange a seated dinner.
This is where a seating chart becomes about more than entertaining. Every decision I just described requires the hostess to think first about someone else. Left to choose for themselves, a child will sit by a best friend or a favorite cousin. But when you tell your daughter why you put the new neighbor next to Grandmother, she hears you thinking about someone besides yourself. She learns that you arranged the table for your guests’ comfort, not your own.
When the oldest guest or the birthday guest gets the chair to the right of the hostess, the seat of honor, children see how we treat the people we respect. Paul wrote in Romans 12:10 (b), “Outdo one another in showing honor.” Let your child take part in the seating assignments and maybe let your child choose who gets the seat of honor and why.
Jesus spoke about seating, too. In Luke 14:7–11, He told guests at a wedding feast not to seek the place of honor, but to take the lowest place, “so that when your host comes he may say to you, ‘Friend, move up higher.’” A child who sits at the far end of the table, or at the children’s table, without complaining, is learning the same lesson: we do not need to seek the best seat in the room.
Place Cards
You will not sit at my table without finding a place card for each guest with your name on it. Before you ever walked through my door, I thought about where you would sit and who might make you feel welcome. The shy child and the widow from church both find a chair saved just for them.
Place cards prevent awkward moments and tell every guest the same thing: “You have a place at my table.”
As children grow, seat them between two adults instead of next to a brother or sister, and coach them on how to be a good dinner companion. Give them questions to ask the people at the table and teach them how to listen to the answer. These are lifelong skills that are invaluable. One day they will walk into a dinner, a wedding, a business event, or a room full of people they do not know, and they will know what to do.
The table shapes the home, and the home shapes our families.
This holiday season do not just let your children watch you make the seating chart. Tell them why Aunt Sally is sitting next to the new neighbor. Explain why Grandfather gets the seat of honor. Then hand them the place cards and let them help.
We are not simply teaching them where people sit. We are teaching them to notice people, to honor them, and to make everyone feel welcome at the table.
Together with you,
Lisa Lou
