Good manners are not about knowing which fork to use. They are about how to treat other people.
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Good manners are simply how we show others they are important.
“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.” —Fred Astaire
Years ago, when our son was playing youth football, my husband was one of the coaches. He expected the boys to answer the coaching staff with “Yes, sir” and “No, sir.” One afternoon, a mother who had recently moved from another state told me she did not agree with requiring children to say “sir” and “ma’am.” Where they had lived before, she explained, children called teachers and coaches by their first names.
Her comment caught me off guard. I had grown up believing children addressed adults with respect. It was simply what we did. But she caused me to ask a much better question: Why?
Why does it matter whether a child says, “Yes, sir”? Why should we teach children how to introduce themselves or look someone in the eye? If we cannot explain why these things matter, they become nothing more than a collection of old rules passed from one generation to another.
Manners and Etiquette Are Not the Same Thing
We often use the words manners and etiquette interchangeably, but there is an important difference. Manners come from our heart. They are how we regard other people. Etiquette is simply the tools we use to express those manners.
I love the description of etiquette as the language of manners. If I care that you feel welcome in my home, etiquette helps me know what to do. If I respect the person sitting across from me, etiquette reminds me to give her my attention when she is speaking.
The rule is not the point. How we treat the person is the point. Always teach the WHY because children are much more likely to remember the reason instead of a rule.
Do not interrupt because the other person deserves to finish speaking. Look someone in the eye when you greet them because you are showing them that their presence is important. Write the thank-you note because someone did something kind for you.
Etiquette gives children the tools to express the values we are trying to put into their hearts.
Why Society Needs Rules
Think about driving. Millions of us get into our cars every day and share roads with people we have never met. We stop at red lights and stay on our side of the road because without these rules, we would crash into one another.
Etiquette has long served as a set of social rules that helps people live alongside one another. I find the idea of protection interesting because the rules of etiquette do something similar to the rules of the road. They protect us. They protect us from social ostracism and provide a way for society to live alongside one another using a common language.
The government is not going to give you a ticket because you monopolized the conversation at dinner. You will not be pulled over by law enforcement because you did not thank your hostess. But there will be consequences when we do not follow the laws of the social road. There will be crashes and damage that will stay with us potentially throughout life.
When we commit social mishaps, as I like to call them, the consequences can be far-reaching. These moments can affect our reputations, and our reputations follow us long into adulthood, our personal relationships, and even into the workforce.
That is why social skills matter, and it is why I believe we must begin teaching them when our children are very young.
Make Learning Manners Fun
Recently, we took our four-year-old grandson to my husband’s office. Before we went inside, we created a game for him to help him learn the art of shaking hands and looking people in the eye.
“Put out your hand, say hello and look into the person’s eyes long enough that you can come back and tell Lolli what color the eyes are,” I said. We practiced in the parking lot, then walked into the office.
We made our way through every hallway and boardroom in an office of almost one hundred people. He shook hands and looked at eyes, then would whisper in my ear the color he saw. To him, it was just a game, but we knew an important social skill was being developed.
Then we came to one section of the office filled with tall men all huddled together. As soon as we walked in, they all stood up. My little grandson looked at the group and then whispered to me, “Lolli, that’s a lot of people!”
He was intimidated, but I reminded him that we were playing our game and that I needed him to tell me the color of their eyes. So, into the huddle he went.
He walked in front of all those men, shook each person’s hand, and looked directly into their eyes. What I loved was that no one in the office knew we were playing a game. All they saw was a little boy walk into a room, shake hands, and look adults in the eye.
Do not make teaching manners complicated. Children need opportunities to practice, and practice can be turned into a fun game. A four-year-old may not understand why eye contact will matter when he is twenty-four, but the skills he learns today will become second nature for him as he grows.
What Is Inside Eventually Comes Out
Emily Post described manners as the outward expression of our character and attitude toward life. I completely agree. What is in our hearts comes out through our mouths, our body language, and how we treat others.
Cynthia Grosso, founder of the Charleston School of Protocol, once used an illustration of an iceberg to explain this same idea. When we see an iceberg, we only see a small percentage that pokes its head above water. But when you look underneath the water, you realize about 90% is below the surface and cannot be seen. Our manners are the same way. What comes out of our mouths (the 10%) gives only a glimpse of what is in someone’s heart (the 90%).
A child can memorize “please” and “thank you,” but eventually what is underneath, in the child’s heart, will show itself. Does he believe other people matter? Does she understand gratitude?
This is why I do not want our children merely to perform good manners. I want them to understand them. We are not raising children who simply know which fork to use. We are raising people who know how to treat another human being with respect.
It Comes Back to the Golden Rule
Jesus stated this very simply in Matthew 7:12: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you…” (NIV). This verse sums up manners in a nutshell. Treat other people the way you would want to be treated and use the tools of etiquette to show you how.
This verse should also take pressure off parents and grandparents who worry that they do not know every etiquette rule. You do not have to remember every rule. Start with the heart and then teach your children how to express themselves through that heart. Ask them if they like it when they are talking and other people interrupt them. Then, when they interrupt, remind them how it made them feel and teach the child not to interrupt others. Ask them if they like it when a friend comes over and the friend runs up to say hello. If so, then explain that they, too, should always walk up to another person when they enter a room and say hello.
Manners truly are as simple as Jesus taught. Just treat others the way you want to be treated. But parents, a word for all of us: Let children see you doing the same things both at home and in public because our example will always speak louder than our words.
Fred Astaire was right when he said it is hard for children to learn good manners if they never see any.
And About That Football Mom...
When I originally told this story, a reader asked the obvious question: “Well, Lisa Lou, what did you say to the mother?” The truth is that I never got the opportunity to finish the conversation. We became distracted during football practice and moved on to something else.
I have replayed those words in my head many times since, and I wish I had asked, “If your child were meeting the President of the United States, how would you have him address the President?”
I suspect she would have said, “Mr. President” or “President _____.” Then I would have asked, “Would you let your child call the President by his first name?” I am confident she would have said no. Then the last question I would ask would be, “Why not?” She would know the answer. It would be because the President needs to be shown the respect of his office. What I would love to end the conversation with would be this: “So, by your own admission, you do believe some people deserve to be shown respect, but only if they hold a high enough office that they are WORTHY of your respect.” Bam! Her answer would have revealed an elitist view: that certain people, not all people, deserved respect. That would have felt good.
Titles like Mr. President are no different from titles like Ma’am and Sir. We already understand that titles can communicate respect for a person’s position or authority, and that is why we use them. Teaching children to use titles as a way to show respect reminds them that how they speak to others matters.
That lesson will serve a child at the dinner table and in the classroom, and when he walks into an office filled with tall men and whispers to his Lolli, “That’s a lot of people!” And it will serve him years later when Lolli is not standing beside him, reminding him to look long enough to see the color of their eyes.
Teach your children good manners, practice them yourself and explain the reason behind them. We are not teaching rules for the sake of rules. We are teaching our families how to be kind to others as we all navigate the social roads of life together.
Together with you,
Lisa Lou
